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Professor of linguistics and political campaigner Noam Chomsky has been confirmed as the new judge on TV talent show The X Factor. ‘Cheryl Cole was still recovering from malaria and we needed someone who could fill the intellectual void,’ said programme creator Simon Cowell, ‘Professor Chomsky is perfect and the audience just loves him.’ In his first outing […]

Britain is preparing to host a joint state visit in September from two religious men convinced of their own infallibility and who refuse to make a public apology for their actions, his holiness Tony Blair and Pope Benedict XVI. ‘Look, it just makes sense to combine the two visits,’ said Mr Blair, ‘we are both Catholics, we both have books to promote and we b […]

Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg says that he is 'absolutely delighted' to be the wet nurse for David and Samantha Cameron’s new child. ‘I have spent the last few months undergoing hormone replacement therapy in preparation for this very moment,’ said Mr Clegg, who has already developed what he describes as ‘a fulsome pair of lactating man boobs.’ […]

The Home Secretary has heralded the return to traditional 1950s-style policing methods as ‘a major success’ after a local bobby smashed an international drug ring and gave their leader a ‘jolly good talking to’ and a ‘clip round the ear’. ‘I know how to deal with these young scallywags,’ said PC George Dixon, who single-handedly disarmed a gun-toting militia […]

A-level students have expressed shock and disappointment after being denied the chance to excitedly jump up and down live on TV as they receive their results, following a BBC decision to re-broadcast video of last year’s pupils instead. ‘We simply cannot afford to go out and film yet more students jumping up and down,’ said BBC Director of News Helen Boaden, […]