Young offenders who would have been issued with Anti-Social Behaviour Orders will have to serve time performing street dance, the Home Office have announced. ‘Everyone knows that street dance prevents the young from getting involved in crime,’ said Home Secretary Theresa May, ‘which is why any young person found behaving badly will now be forced to join a hi […]

Former UN Weapons Inspector Dr Hans Blix says that following a visit to the UK he has found ‘no evidence’ that Britain is harbouring an inquiry into the Iraq War. ‘I have searched the length and breadth of the country,’ said Dr Blix ‘and I cannot find anything resembling an inquiry. I did stumble across a committee room with a few retired civil servants and […]

The declining death rate is leading to rising unemployment among grim reapers, with record numbers of the hooded angels of death being forced to 'sign on' at local job centres. ‘The reaping industry is dying on its feet,’ said Duncan D’Eath, President of the British Confederation of Reapers, ‘people may be enjoying longer lives but we, the hard wor […]

Speaking at the launch of his new fragrance, Lord Mandelson said: ‘I like to think that this perfume captures the very essence of New Labour. You are initially hit with a glorious burst of anticipation, hope and excitement, closely followed by the foetid afterwhiff of corruption, deceit and betrayal.’ […]

Justice Secretary Ken Clarke has announced that, as part of efficiency savings, all convicted criminals will be expected to put together their own cell using a government approved flat pack prison. ‘We simply cannot afford to keep on building new prisons,’ said Mr Clarke, ‘from next week every prisoner will be told to stay at home and assemble their own cell […]